Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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