dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
