He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Randomize
