I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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