You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
