how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
