I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
