Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
