and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
