I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
