I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
The air taste purple.
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