Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
