I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
