Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
