When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
