Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
