My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
