Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
