The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
