1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
