If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
