Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
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