Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
