Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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