I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
