So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
