just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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