Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
