i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I just found a bag of teeth...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
