my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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