When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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