everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
