Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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