she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
