Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm passing your future prison.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It's official drugs can't kill me
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
