Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
