A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
