I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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