No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
