i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
