She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
