I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
