Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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