well I can't set my house on fire every night
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
