If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
