John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
