he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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