We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
