This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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