I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I FOUND THE LEGS
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
