I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
